Diary of a Technophobe

This week’s blog is from our wonderful Debbie – please read it – you won’t know whether to laugh or cry….but you’ll never feel alone again when your SatNav leads you the wrong way down a one-way lane, or when you buy 11 bags of bananas instead of eleven bananas in your Ocado shop…..

A Week in the Life of a Technophobe

Day 1

Back to work after a week in Italy. Feeling refreshed and reinvigorated so get in to work early to go through 300 emails but can’t remember any passwords. Call IT to re-set them and rename them Password1, Password2, Password3 – write them all on a post-it and stick it on front of computer.

Get through emails and meet up with fellow technophobe friend who is internet dating. We check her profile and ‘wink’ at a nice boy who works in IT (could be useful). Decide to ‘research’ him on Facebook but accidentally send him friend request so switch to stalking him on LinkedIn instead – but then realise he can see we’ve been looking at him. Give up and drink wine.

Day 2

Go online to M&S to buy Grandad birthday gift but visa card not working so try a few more times – to no avail. Check Barclays account and have sent Grandad 11 Port & Stilton gift sets! Call Barclays to rectify but have forgotten password for telephone banking and fail security questions so call Grandad and pretend I’ve just been generous.

After dinner, decide to Skype best friend Emily in Sydney. Can’t work out how to switch the laptop camera on and there is a long delay on the line so tell her I’ll call her instead – but then camera suddenly comes on, bingo! Then she says she can only see top of my head so give up and hand-write her a letter instead.

Day 3

Try to book train tickets online to see boyfriend’s parents at end of November. Can’t believe how cheap they are and am finally coming round to advantages of booking tickets online in advance – until I realise I have booked for the wrong date and because I am cheapskate, they are non-refundable and non-changeable. Have to re-book for another date and pay twice as much.

Date night! Boyfriend has booked restaurant in town and sends me address. Decide not to write directions on piece of paper like I usually do and type address in to Google Maps on phone (am going to impress bf with new-found IT skills). Am waiting at restaurant for bf for 30mins and getting very annoyed at his tardiness, when he calls and asks where I am. I am in wrong location. Bf says he has has large of wine waiting for me. Tease.

Day 4

Boss announces that everyone in office now has to tweet about new speakers, events, etc. Start hyperventilating. Have 1hr tutorial from colleague about how to tweet. Spend rest of day thinking of excuses to tell my boss about why I won’t be tweeting.

Day 5

Food shopping for dinner party. Decide to save time and use self service checkout but can’t get anything to scan so have to call assistant over  after every item, which takes three times longer. As I leave, I set off alarms and realise I forgot to scan a Granny Smith.

Post hand-written letter to best friend Emily that has been sitting in my bag for 3 days.

Day 6

Bf and I are booking holiday online to Central America. Feign laisse faire attitude when it comes to flights and hotels as don’t want responsibility of booking wrong ones (but bf knows I am really a big control freak so is confused by new fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants attitude)

Bf goes to meet friends at the pub and I decide to stay in and watch TV but can’t use bf’s ‘entertainment system’ so end up watching 3hrs of Location, Location, Location. Could be worse.

Day 7

Last minute invite to morning tea at friends place in Central London. Decide to drive and use new sat nav on phone. Big mistake as not ready for such a big technological leap. Get really confused and drive round Regents Park three times looking for exit while sat nav re-routes. Leave car on a meter and get tube.

Me time! Switch on TV to see what’s on and unwittingly turn on subtitles. Have no idea how to turn off so leave it – and after 40mins, wonder how I ever survived without it.

You're in good company, Deb, Woody Allen has never owned a computer, smartphone or tablet - and claims he never will! (Ed)